Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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