hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
