I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
