I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
