Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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