On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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