His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
