She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
