Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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