Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
