Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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