anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
