I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
