So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
