I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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