I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
