Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
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You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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