There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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