When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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