Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
