if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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