The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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