Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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