Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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