I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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