She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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