I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't deserve a penis
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
