She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
