you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
