i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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