if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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