I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
