so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
