i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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