So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
