remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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