a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
