I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
