I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
