sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
