I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
