My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
