Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Come share oat with me in your robe
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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