Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
