Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
