Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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