Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
