its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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