I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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