You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
