your parents love me but you hate me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
