i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
