Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
