Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
