I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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