I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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