she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
my poor anus
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
