why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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