John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
